Attend to the details and the big picture comes together as well.
Here are just some of the things I'd tell them if I weren't so hell-bent on returning home with all my teeth.
You are not an XXL. I hate to break it to you, stud, but you're nowhere near as big as your clothes. Maybe you wouldn't look so much like Quasimodo if the shoulder seams on your shirt hit at--get this--your shoulders, rather than halfway down your arms. I have two words of counsel: Large, or (gulp) Medium.
Those pleats make you look like you have an estrogen imbalance.
A single pleat on each side of your pants can be perfectly acceptable, but any more and you're only adding volume to your crotch. And it's not the illusion of manly heft you're creating, but more like a menopausal woman's "pooch."
Your shoes suck. They're scuffed and dirty and probably falling apart--which is too bad, because your suit looks halfway decent. Contrary to what you believe, everyone notices--and immediately makes a mental note that you do not take such great care of yourself. Do yourself (and your dogs) a favor: Buy some nice leather-soled lace-ups.
I can see your balls. Look, if you're competing in a triathlon, wear all the spandex you want. But let's be real: When you're doing your back-and-shoulders routine at the gym, chafing down there is not such a big issue. Nor is support. Throw a pair of shorts over those things.
Your tie knot is dinky. Some fashiony looks require a small knot, as do men with smaller frames, for proportion's sake. But for most guys on most occasions, the knot you tied for your 13th birthday party--rabbit goes around the hole and back through--just doesn't cut it. Try a half Windsor. You can find instructions on the Internet, brainiac.
Jerry Seinfeld has moved on. White athletic sneakers and high-waisted jeans? Are you freakin' kidding me? Nobody does that anymore--except kids who were in diapers the first time around and now think it's cool to be retro. On you, it looks dated. Please realize that you are watching reruns--from a decade ago. It's time for an update.
