On April 6, 1859, Thomas Jefferson wrote to a friend that “all men are created equal.” Jefferson’s stirring sentiments leave us to conclude two things: He was an eternal optimist and he never met you.
Let’s be brutally honest; time and multiple games of Trivial Pursuit have proven that you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Fortunately there are plenty of ways to camouflage your cerebral shortcomings. Some of them are legitimate and some of them, much like your resume, are completely fraudulent. The good news is that they both work. Put your thinking cap on as I instruct you on how to seem smarter than you are.
Learn impressive bits of knowledge
Make yourself stand out in a conversation by memorizing a daily dose of stats, quotes and trivia. One way to get started is by subscribing to an online word of the day service or by checking out your newspaper’s "This Day in History" section. Just imagine how smart you’ll sound when you mention to a colleague, “Can you believe the Edmund Fitzgerald went down in 1975? My God, where does the time go?”
Pepper your conversation with minutiae and you’ll be able to successfully substitute detail for depth of knowledge. Other useful resources include Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations and Harper’s Index Book.
Ask questions
The easiest way to contribute to any conversation is simply to ask questions. You will present yourself as the guy thirsty for knowledge, as well as learn valuable information that you can apply in your next discourse. Just know where to draw the line. In the words of sociologist Larry Kersten, “There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.”
Highlight your strengths
There are too few hours in the day to become an expert on every subject. So when conversations veer toward foreign territory steer them toward the topics you're informed on. Don’t know much about Serbian politics? No problem; dominate the conversation by talking about baseball and bull castration instead. Granted, some people might find your interests to be a touch creepy, but at least they’ll know you’re an expert on certain subjects.
Rent movies to become familiar with classic books
Why spend your entire summer reading War and Peace when you could simply rent the 1956 movie starring Audrey Hepburn and Henry Fonda? Movies can save you oodles of valuable time while still giving you enough plot detail to intelligently discuss the books they are based on.
Just beware that some movies, like The Natural, have taken considerable liberties with the original source material, going so far as to completely alter the ending. When discussing the book, also be careful to refer to the characters by their literary names and not by the actors who portrayed them.
Silence is golden
Sometimes clamming up is the best option -- particularly when someone else is talking themselves into a hole. Look on with a smug grin on your face, and your perceived intellect will elevate naturally. In the words of Abraham Lincoln, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
And volume works wonders
Get three guys on a topic that they're all equally unfamiliar with, and the guy who talks loudest will usually look like the authority on the subject. Over the course of one of your fraudulent debates, continually allude to your references, positioning yourself as a well-read fellow. Phrases you might wish to inject include:
* “From what I've read on the topic… ”
* “In the course of my studies… ”
* “The last article I read regarding this… ”
* “I believe Nietzsche said it best… ”
* “According to Time magazine… ”
Look the part
One of the easiest ways to seem smarter than you are is simply dressing for success. You can start by putting on a pair of glasses.
Dorothy Parker may have been right in suggesting, “Men seldom makes passes at girl’s who wear glasses,” but guys who wear spectacles get plenty of respect. Just look at our four-eyed leaders: Theodore Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Nelson Rockefeller, George H. W. Bush, and Dick Cheney. If glasses can make Sylvester Stallone look smart, there’s no telling what they can do for you.
Other surefire accessories include ascots, tweed jackets with leather elbow patches and pipes. Philosophy books, manifestos and copies of the New York Times also do nicely when it comes to rounding out your look. Mind you, if you truly want to look the part it’s essential to cross your legs like a proper English gentleman. Speaking of which…
Adopt an English accent
With the possible exception of The Sex Pistols and Posh Spice, nearly anyone with an English accent sounds as though they could teach a university course on the classics. Make sure to adopt the right kind of accent. An upper class London accent will make you sound suave and debonair, while a Yorkshire accent will make you sound like your father is also your brother.
Add letters to the end of your name
Why let doctors and lawyers have all the fun? Add random letters to the end of your name and you’ll look as though you have years of additional education and certification. Which looks more impressive: Joe Blow or Joe Blow MBA, LL.B, NCAA, SCUBA?
Read the dust covers of classic novels
Who has the time to read Moby Dick when there’s a Three’s Company marathon on all weekend? Brush up on the plots of the greats by reading the description on the back cover.
Fill your pad with intellectual zines and pubs
Say goodbye to men’s magazines and hello to the New England Journal of Medicine. Granted, most scientific publications have horrible swimsuit issues, but that’s the price you pay for trying to look smarter.
Master the art of metaphors
The 1979 film Being There offers a textbook example of how to achieve success through vagueness. Despite being a simpleton, Peter Sellers’ character manages to influence senators and the president by serving up gardening metaphors that he allows others to interpret. You can achieve the same effect by simply peppering your conversation with folk wisdom. Try the following Nigerian proverbs on for size:
* A man who is trampled to death by an elephant is a man who is blind and deaf.
* A man who lives on the bank of a river does not use spittle to wash his hands.
* A person on whose head lice are being removed, must be grateful.
* The goat that cries the loudest is not the one that will eat the most.
Surround yourself with idiots
If all else fails, surround yourself with people of lesser intelligence. Sure, it won’t make you any smarter, but you’ll feel like a genius by comparison. In general, trailer parks, NASCAR events and the The Jerry Springer Show green room are excellent places to find people whose brain cells can be counted on a single hand.
